Still battling to keep the madness away.

It's a real blow to your self worth when you can't provide for your family and every door seems to get closed behind you.

I wish I could say something cheery right now.

I did however do my good deed for the month...

Got over myself long enough to do a overnight land search. Choppered in and out of some of the wildest country I've ever trekked across. Was a champion effort and I cant help but be a bit proud.

Til next time lovies!

Cheers!

...or so it seems.

I always feel like I'm taking two steps foreward, one step back.

So I get called into the Housing office and they regretfully inform me that they will not under any circumstances renew my lease as the owner wants to lease to relatives....so in 10 days time me and the kids are officially homeless. Ever heard of getting kicked out of a safe house? When I went crazy the other day and near landed in the nut house over all of this, everyone told me to put it to the back of my mind as I cant get kicked out of a safe house....well it seems I can and I am.

I have hit those real estates twice a week since I moved in to no avail and now the time bomb ticks.

The "madness" stuck when they told me. All I wanted was a drink. Had thought of every elaborate plan to get the kids out of the house so I could go and get wasted. I cried and yelled and screamed. J came over and stayed with me all night refusing to even let me leave the house until the "madness" was gone.

I'm not sure where I am right now....or where I'm headed. My soberiety I am taking an hour at a time at best...but I'm still here and still sober.

Here's hopin for some cheerier news next time.

Cheers

So here i am still sober. Have to mention a little incident that happened to me the other night. Went to AA then to the pub (yeah I know how that sounds) to look for a mate. Ordered my diet coke and went out for a smoke. Found my mate but ran into another mate whom I love dearly who proceeded to say hello to and hug everybody except me. I waited. Not a word. Even walked past me and smiled....but not a word....

You cant even begin to fathom how exceptionally hurt I was. So there I was....big alco i am....hurt as ever, diet coke in hand at the pub....

Do you know something? I finished that diet coke as quick as I could and i left. I didnt make a scene....i didnt drink my hurt away....nothing. Just toddled on home and lay in bed and had a bit of a sob to myself.

It's not much to anyone else but to me it's an acheivement and I'll hold onto that.

Cheers for now!

Well.....I did my first assesment last week and got my result back. Drum roll please.....

Topped the class at 94%!!! distinction!!!!

Thank you....thank you very much.....

And I'd like to thank God....and my parents....and all my loyal fans out there....

Just kidding! But yeah....feelin pretty darn proud of myself! I'm havin a ball! My class is great! My teachers are fab! What more can I say?

As a footnote I'll also mention that yesterday I hit a month sober. YAY TEAM! Still feelin it though....ups and downs...blah blah blah.

So yeah...thats me up to date for now. Hope ya'll out there are takin care and havin a blast in life cause it's too short to waste!

Cheers for now!

I havent picked up a drink for near on a month now but i gotta say....right now I feel none the better for it. i'm no further ahead...or maybe it just feels that way. I'm overwhelmed. I put on a happy face with a bubbly personality but behind closed doors I cry and cry until it feels like there are no more tears left inside me...but still they flow.

I sat outside the bottle shop for over an hour yesterday. Sat under a great big tree and cried....not for anything but for everything. And i prayed....I prayed for god and the angels above to send me somewhere away from that wretched place. I just wanted to forget. I wanted to forget everything.

People on the outside keep saying..."you're looking great without the grog" or "look how far you have come...look what you have acheived", but in my head I'm nowhere. Maybe deep inside I'm still waiting for somebody to save me.

I feel so alone sometimes. Empty.

Have run into old friends of recent. Cant help but feel extremely hurt by some of the things that have happened whilst I have been out of the loop. nothing that I'm even ready to talk to anyone about yet....but I do have this to say: people have taken advantage of me and then left when it is no longer covenient for them, making excuses all the way that I was the problem only to go and put themselves in the same...if not worse situation with somebody else. If they think they are not fooling themselves.....think that they are more grown up or "can handle it now"....then maybe they need to look deep inside themselves and really start soul searching instead of using scapegoats whenever something doesnt go right because they are just going to end up hurt and there will come a time when there will be nobody else to blame.

I've had to face alot of demons lately.....sometimes it has felt like I've looked the devil straight in the eye. My life is not a barrel of laughs. I dont go out and have fun anymore....I dont talk to people all that much....I go to TAFE and I care for my kids and clean my house. I dont go on dates....i dont go to the movies....I dont go out for dinner....hell, I'm lucky to do coffee with a mate...so please....wont someone PLEASE tell me what I'm doing all of this for??? Nothing has changed....nothing is better...the rich still get richer and the poor still get poorer and there are still people out there who feel that there is nothing left for them on this earth and why bother hangin round for another bastard to come and kick you in the guts while you are already on the ground bleeding.

Have a great day y'all.